She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
