oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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