Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
