All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
