I think i sorta joined a cult last night
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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