my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
