I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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