I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
ttyl tear gas
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
