So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
