***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
