I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
