My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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