I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
