Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
