The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
