I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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