In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
