Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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