I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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