Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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