glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
