I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
