wakey wakey hands off snakey
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
