shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
