please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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