every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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