I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
