woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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