Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
