I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
