just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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