Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize