I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My ATM looks so different sober.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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