Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
