bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
