Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
