Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
