my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
