I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
