i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
