i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
