I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
