he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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