She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
