just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
