Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A bitchslap is in order.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
