I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
