White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
