why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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