Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
