I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Vodka?
Forever.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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