i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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