he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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