I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
