mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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