I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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