haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
