Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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