Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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