I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
