Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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