is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
