I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
