so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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