At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
