God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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