I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
