happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
